PLEASE NOTE:
The following transcript is for adults only.
If you are underage, this page is not for you – please go here instead.
Patrick Gilmore did a series of interviews with a number of his friends and shared them online as The Laptop Chats.
While the videos are no longer available we have Patrick’s permission to post the transcript of Laptop Chat #5 here – a hilarious interview with Louis Ferreira.
Thanks to Jeri for the transcript, and thanks to Anisio for the Portuguese translation!
Patrick Gilmore: I’m Patrick Gilmore and our special guest is hiding behind this couch…. Bam!
Louis Ferreira: Hellllooo!…
PG: Louis Ferreira, everybody!
LF: Fantaaastic!
PG: Let’s get to it. We’ve got a lot to get to.
LF: We do?
PG: Yeah.
LF: This is exciting! …interview, I’ve never…
PG: You’ve never had an interview?
LF: Well, I know, I know I pass generally as a rule, but this is, this is better than any interview I’d want to do. /
PG: Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night 2, Star Trek Voyager, ER, 24, blah, blah, blah, blah, Grey Gardens, NCIS, Donald Trump in Trump Unauthorized, Touch, recently, with Kiefer Sutherland…
LF: Yes.
PG: But my favorite…
LF : (speaking Portuguese) I only speak Portuguese with Kiefer Southerland, only in Portuguese, with people who speak Portuguese, the songs are Portuguese.
PG: So, we all understood that. Cocktail…
LF: Oh yeah.
PG: This man played a soldier, right at the very beginning, and you know what is funny? I didn’t know, and then I watched it like 6 months ago.
LF: I thought we were just going to fuck around here. You actually know, you’re like that guy who’s done his research, it’s freaking me out with the shit that you know.
PG: Well, I got questions, dude!
LF: Serious! Ohhh, man I didn’t know what this was. Okay… maybe, okay we’re serious now. Now inter… this is real.
PG: Well, it’s, it’s…
LF: I’ll probably get dressed, I’m not wearing… I don’t feel good about it…
PG: No, what are you doing? You’re fine… So he was in Cocktail. Here’s a clip. (CLIP)
LF: Yeah.
PG: What can you tell us about that? Do you remember that?
LF: Yeah, it was a, it was really interesting for me.
PG: Oh, very serious.
LF: It was…
PG: Uhum.
LF: It was, you know… Tom Cruise.
PG: Yeah, okay. Moving on.
LF: Mailbag!
PG: What is a thing you’ve always wished to do, but haven’t got to yet? You’ve been around, though.
LF: I have. I have yet, I start, I feel like, you know that was a weird thing for me when people would say, you know, they’d be like, “Hey why did you change your name after 25 years?” And I’m like, “‘Cause I don’t have like an attachment to ego or anything, right, so I’m like, Louis Ferreira is my real name. When I had Justin Louis, the casting director originally gave me that name because they said your name was too ethnic. So for me, there’s a part of me feels like I’m starting all over again. Like I’m just naked coming into the world for the first time, Patrick.”
PG: Good. Moving on. … How does the first verse of your favorite song go?
LF: Really?
PG: What is an item of clothing you would never wear?
LF: Banana hammock!
PG: See, I had to wear one. For The Killing.
LF: I’m sorry.
PG: Yeah.
LF: You had to?
PG: Yeah.
LF: There’s no… did you try not to?
PG: Well, I kinda…
LF: Did you like, at least like at least, tell me you at least went and said, listen about the banana hammock, or were you like embracing the banana, you know, I never…
PG: No, I didn’t embrace it at all.
LF: You fought it a little bit?
PG: I went in there, and they had about six laid out, and anywhere from the banana hammock to like a full on body suit. And I was just like can we like do halfsies, like do a nice little, but on the day when you arrive the producers have said this is what’s happening. That’s what happened.
LF: Yeah, I just think you know, people should just, I think a religious preference should be something you just keep to yourself.
PG: Religious?
LF: Yeah. With the banana hammock – you know.
PG: Oh, you know?
LF: You let people know.
PG: Oh, Jewish. Ummm, Anne Marie asks: Who would your dream co-star be? Who’s someone you haven’t worked with, that you’d love to?
LF: Penelope Cruz!
PG: Movin’ on, right? Ohhhh!
LF: Need I say more? Penelope, but only in Spanish.
PG: There is that scene…
LF: When she speaks in Spanish I go crazy.
PG: Oh, when she speaks in English, I go crazy. Uh, that, that scene… / Cheryl asks: Who’s your best friend?
LF: Ah, that’s so cute. Ahhh, my best friend… You know I feel great potential and possibility with me and Patrick Gilmore. But ‘cause I live in kinda like three different cities, I kinda have one in each city a little bit, I guess. Maybe. You know. My son, my 19 year old son Aidan is definitely one of my closest friends and I adore that kid. Peter DeLuise, we know him as the director of a lot of the Stargates, his brother David DeLuise is like, my soulmate. I’ve often said if this man had a vagina I would have met my soulmate.
PG: Oh.
LF: You know, ‘cause I think ultimately we all want our best friends with the a… you know the other, with the, with the, with the…
PG: With the vagina?
LF: With the vagina.
PG: Yeah.
LF: Or you know, girls, the best girlfriend with the…
PG: With the vagina.
LF: (laughs) /
PG: If you could live anywhere, where would that be?
LF: I would live with the woman of my dreams in a little hut, on an island, in the middle of nowhere. / Buy a little bakery in Portugal / have kids and animals. / Live life, love, the whole western model of like… / it’s all concepts that really are mis- / made believe… / we made up money… / attached to crap… / these status things… / work to get things… / none of that means anything at the end of the day… / making a difference… / ‘cause this is the thing I’m sure too as an actor… / when you can do a role that impacts and changes… / it’s like holding a lottery ticket, everyone’s going, pick me, pick me, as opposed to me… I’m going, I just want to live my life now… / all I got is this moment here… (sings something unintelligible)
PG: I forgot the question.
LF: (laughs)
PG: Connie asks… / Dave asks, have you ever gone out for drinks with fans?
LF: Yeah. Absolutely.
PG: Yeah.
LF: You know we do that all the time, we like that. You know what I mean, we were at Dragon Con, and we didn’t want to do it, we had to like sign things, sign pictures, and that was weird, like I hated that part. But the part we actually got to hang out with the people, and dance with them, and, and be like, these costumes rock, that was the best part of it for me.
PG: Yeah.
LF: I felt bit uncomfortable with that other part of it actually, to be completely honest.
PG: Louis and I…
LF: And you were right there.
PG: What was your favorite costume you saw at Dragon Con?
LF: Yup, yup, yup, yup, haalloo!
PG: That was great…
LF: Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup, biinngg! Remember the Sesame Street… put the…
PG: I do have the clip.
LF: Haalloo!
PG: I have this clip.
CLIP:
Patrick: This is a dramatic reading of Air, the pilot, starring Louis Ferreira. “Pain rushed in from every corner of him. (Louis makes pained groans) And he gasped as his eyes opened. He tried to focus but all that he could feel was a pounding series of dull impacts coming from the inside of his skull. (Louis: Ow! ow!) Young turned, and he realized he was lying in some kind of bed, (Louis: Where am I?) in a room were the lights were soft. (Louis: Ahh!) He felt groggy and it was a struggle to focus. (Louis closes eyes and his hand feels around on Patrick’s face) ‘Easy Colonel, it’s okay.’ Wait, he knew that voice, (Louis: Wait a minute.) Tamara, (Louis: TJ!!) For a second he thought he had been talking to Emily, (Louis: Emily?) Then memory, haha, then memory caught up with him and he remembered where he was. (Louis: Wooo! … What’s going on?) he managed. His tongue felt thick. (Louis sticks tongue out and moans) His mouth bone dry. ‘We almost lost you, Sir,’ she said. ‘You were thrown clear across the room.’ Young tried to sit up, but his pain had other ideas. (Louis moaning and crying throughout, then says: “I can’t go anywhere”.) That’s from Air. (laughing)
LF: The next question.
PG: Okay, moving on. Oh, I like this question. Eszter asks, I’ve a question for your guest, what made you do this Laptop Chat?
LF: (laughs loudly) Patrick says to me, hey, I do a Laptop chap. Chat. And I’m Canadian.
PG: Uhhuh? … Okay.
LF: That’s what happened.
PG: And you’re Canadian.
LF: Yeah, it goes back to the thank you, please, well mannered, what are you going to say – no? You’re my buddy.
PG: So you’re dying right now?
LF: I hate this. I’m in hell.
PG: Me, too. … / Belina asks, what was your most awkward handmade gift?
LF: Who are these people, how do they get to you?
PG: I tweeted the, I said hey…
LF: Oh, this is from tweeting?
PG: I said I’m having a surprise guest, send in your questions.
LF: It’s so funny, because I don’t know how things work.
PG: Really? / Ever have any fans give you creepy presents?
LF: No.
PG: No, but when we were at Dragon Con, a fan came up and introduced a baby, a brand new baby…
LF: Oh, yeah, that was, that wasn’t creepy though.
PG: And no it wasn’t creepy, no, no, but this, this…
LF: Shame on you, I’m a father… I take great offense to his angle.
PG: It wasn’t creepy, it was beautiful.
LF: Not creepy. It was beautiful. This is what happened.
PG: They named the baby after his character, after Everett.
LF: And they put this baby in my hands, and I was like…
PG: There’s a photo.
LF: Yeah.
PG: Great, right?
LF: That was really, actually really touching. That was one of those highlights, where I was like just so touched by it, then I wondered, wait a minute, why would they name a baby after Everett?
PG: Everett’s a cool name though. I mean…
LF: But it was specific to the character.
PG: Yeah, but it’s, but you know if…
LF: That was, you know that’s just serious.
PG: But if you name your kid Rambo, they’re kind of pigeon-cornered, or pigeon-holed, right? But Everett is across the board.
LF: Yeah, yeah. It’s a cool name. Yeah, yeah, I got that, at least. I was very, very, I mean that was very flattering.
PG: Well, you should act like it.
LF: Very flattering.
PG: Do you remember…
LF: I can’t remember.
PG: I can’t remember when this was, but there was a day on set where Bobby impersonated you, and then you impersonated him…
LF: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
PG: … and Bobby’s impersonation of you was “bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit.” and then he wound down, and Kelamis came up and wound him back up and he went “ah, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit”.
LF: I don’t need this. I don’t. / I’m uncomfortable, let me laugh in the scene.
PG: Ah, are you uncomfortable…
LF: (laughs)
PG: Awesome! … I just look hopeless, I’m just kinda, look off in the distance. / Leslie asks, what did you like best about your role on The Killing, and how many Speedos do you have? – We kinda covered this though, haven’t we?
LF: You, I don’t think you noticed the shift, that was awesome, had no clue that I changed.
PG: Lindsay…
LF: Lindsay, hi, I say hi to Lindsay!
PG: Lindsay says: This Fall I’ll be going to TCU, I think that’s…
LF: Texas?
PG: Christian University, maybe?
LF: Oh, shoot, yeah we’re gonna have to do some serious editing here. Yeah.
PG: Lindsay’s cool with it. She was wondering if each of you could share a favorite college memory and any sort of ultimate advice?
LF: Whoa.
PG: Have you been to college?
LF: I have not, but boy if I’d gone to college…
PG: Oh, ho, ho, I don’t know what that means.
LF: There would…
PG: Okay, but here’s someone that’s going to college, give her some advice.
LF: Well, I think if you’re going to a Christian college you kinda know what’s happenin’.
PG: Atta boy.
LF: Me, I missed the whole thing. I do miss that thing a bit. I kinda was like, I started acting at 19, so I kinda went right from high school to the…
PG: Yeah.
LF: … the gig thing. But I still, I still am not, I still honestly at 46, I’m, there’s still a part of me that’s like, I’m enrolled in an online university course.
PG: Yeah. “Forever a student”, is kind of my motto.
LF: Yeah, me too.
PG: All right.
LF: That’s good, we had a moment there.
PG: Did we?
LF: Which is real.
PG: I missed it.
LF: Haha … I’d like to have a moment of seriousness, if I may? For those of us that, who may perhaps, because I believe in being very honest about where you’re at, in life, and for those of us, and there’s different modes, we’re either in love, or looking for love, or we’re kind of, you know, healing from love, and I read this great quote on the idea of detachment, that I’d like to share.
PG: Please.
LF: Patrick, “Detachment”. It is not that we are detaching from those whom we care or love, but rather from the agony of involvement. – I need a second.
PG: Stephanie asks, do you have any impersonations? Go!
LF: No, I don’t have any. Haha.
PG: Come on! … Da, da, my favorite…
LF: Hello, Stephanie. What’s your, where you going?
PG: Ted Knight, come on.
LF: Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Mare, ho, ho, ho, Mare, listen Mare, ho, ho, ho, ho. Okay. What da got? What else we have?
PG: Pacino.
LF: Say, hallo, fffuck you!
PG: Fffuck you! That, that’s what you did every…
LF: Fffuck… you… Rush! You wanna say what? Something… so… be it. I got nothing… for you.
PG: Oh, I like this one, Tiffany…
LF: Tiffany.
PG: … asks, if you thought no one was looking, what is the one thing you would do?… I’d punch somebody.
LF: I don’t, don’t ever think anyone’s looking.
PG: That’s true.
LF: I do, I just do, we live…
PG: You live your life.
LF: What do we, what’s that about?
PG: I was reminded about something I said about you, I said…
LF: Maybe…
PG: “Louis is like a dog humping your leg. You just gotta let him finish.”
LF: Yeah! Yeah, I don’t need that. That’s it.
PG: It was meant as a… / Tia asks,
LF: Tia…
PG: Tia writes,
LF: These are all women.
PG: These are all women.
LF: How fantastic is that? … shit
PG: What? Tia writes, first off I want to start off by telling you, that you are one fine looking man.
LF: Wow. That’s nice.
PG: Oh, no, she’s talking about me.
LF: I know she is. Clearly. What, the guest? I know where I stand, Patrick. Hello.
PG: Come on, … I’m in this.
LF: Oh.
PG: You’re, I’m not kidding, you’re frothing at the mouth.
LF: Yeah, I am. (using portrait from Dancing Still) Hello. Hello, ladies. I want to talk to you, about something. I just want to tell you, it’s so fantastic that you called. I know everyone of you called in, you have a, va, va, va, va…
PG: Vagina.
LF: (in a deep, throaty, voice) Yes!
PG: Kathryn asks, which film from your filmography would you never show your parents? There’s a few, that, the one that’s making the film circuit right now, Sunflower Hour.
LF: Is that the one where you’re BLEEP kinda just… ummm… is this the one? There’s one apparently BLEEP.
PG: Well, that was a different one. I take a puppet, and I BLEEP BLEEP, in this movie.
LF: Ahhh. … Well, Peter destroyed me with the whole puppet thing.
PG: Peter?
LF: Kelamis. Do you remember?
PG: No.
LF: The picture – of Kermit, the frog.
PG: Oh, shit, yes.
LF: I would like…
PG: No.
LF: Wait, ladies and gentlemen…
PG: No, we’re not going to show it.
LF: We are. We’re going to show it for like a second. It can only flash for one second. Peter Kelamis showed me on set one day while I’m playing Col. Young, and I peed myself, well, I, let’s just say it was a hard day for me. To get that image completely outta my head. So I’m, this, I’m warning. You guys ready? Pay attention. In threesh, … two, … one, … (image of Kermit muppet) Ooooh my God! Can you believe that?! Because that’s where the hand goes!
PG: It’s not right!
LF: It’s wrong.
PG: You know we’re getting to our last question. Whip asks, will you come to my birthday party? There will be cake!
LF: Yes.
PG: Louis, what are you working on right now?
LF: I am, I’m working on my, I’m working on me, Patrick.
PG: Okay. Good.
LF: That’s what I’m doing, I’m working on this.
PG: He’s working on that.
LF: I’ve got some work to do.
PG: So if you want to say something to your fans…
LF: No, I want to say thank you, Patrick Gilmore, for having me,/ all the people, who actually, this is bizarre you get all those, but they happen to be all people with va…
PG: Real people. I swear. Vaginas.
LF: Yeah, and that’s, that’s really cool.
PG: A lot of vaginas writing in.
LF: Yeah, no…
PG: Come on, you can say vagina.
LF: Ah, no, I…
PG: V, just say vaahh…
LF: I can…
PG: Vaahh, vaahh…
LF: You know I can do it at the right time, at the right time, I can do it.
PG: Vaahh, vaahh, … Okay for Luigi, I’m Patrick Gilmore and we’re Punk Rock!
LF: Worst pick-up line ever, that I heard, in a bar, (with an accent) Ah heya, sometime I like it when it stink a bit.
PG: Jesus Christ! … I’m gonna get up from that one!
LF: Who’s that motherfucker?! (something falls on the floor behind the couch) Oh, oh, oh, no, this is just a rental…
